im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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