Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
