Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
