I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
