Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
