Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
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I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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