im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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