She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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