dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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