Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
