We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
