I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
