I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
