I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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