peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
