Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
