I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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