Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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