so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i think i just lost a toe
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
