sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
