Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
