for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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