I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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