How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
