Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
