I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
