a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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