did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
