Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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