I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
