i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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