maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
