I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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