Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
