Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
