I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
