Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
