Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
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my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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