i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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