I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
