I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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