Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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