: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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