I puked a lego.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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