I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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