There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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