I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
