my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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