The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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