Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
