Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
