Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
