i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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